It started with a dream. I woke up one morning with the very vivid memory of a dream about my marriage ending. The feelings that I felt in the dream became even more disturbing after waking. I tried to shake it off, after all, it was just a dream, but then I gave into the overwhelming emotions that centered around losing my husband. I pressed the length of my body next to his and cried silent tears while the weight on my chest made it hard to breathe. That morning I had an epiphany…the world centers around us.

That sounds like such a selfish statement, but the more I thought about it the more it rang true. We spend a lot of time raising the two boys we created together, but they would not exist were it not for us. We value our families, two families that became one family because of our love. Our friends are our friends because we are together. There is not one aspect of our lives that exists without us existing together. Somehow, I forgot that.

I am a feminist. I do not need a man. I have my own career. I can run my own household. I would be able to live my life and raise my sons without my husband. I am not bragging. I am not putting myself on a pedestal. Those are just factual statements. This is the woman my father raised. However, it is also factual that I want my husband and I want us. I love him so much that just dreaming about the end of our relationships created a physical reaction that shook me to my core.

Every day I think about what our children need from me and I give it to them the best I can. Every day I think about my career and what it requires of me and I give the best that I can. Every day I think about the care of our home and our finances and I do my very best to tend to them. Every day I give him the little I have left over….and that is sometimes nothing at all. Sometimes I look up and it has been a couple weeks since we have had a moment alone or a quiet conversation that did not involve the business of being married.

I take us for granted. I have somehow created this false security in believing that my husband will always be here. Nothing is guaranteed, especially not time with the people we love. I appreciate the gift of that dream for reminding me that at the end of the day I need to give my husband the very best of me and everything else whatever is left. After all, this world would not exist without us!

 

Yolanda Jenkins is a wife, mother of 2, and an introverted leader. She can sometimes be found sharing the good, the bad and the ugly on IG @thislibralife.

 

Feature photo credit: Tara Bazille on Unsplash

 

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