Last week was a tough week. Nothing bad happened, but I was experiencing the culmination of several bad weeks.

Feeling tired and stressed out was taking a serious toll, and I was not dealing with it well. Even conversations with trusted friends left me feeling like something was still wrong.

And I know better. I have been through too much with my own mom to ignore signs that something is wrong. I teach women about health, self-care, self-love, and wellness all the time. Surely I could practice these things myself, right?

But there I was.

Feeling lost, sad, and confused about what was going on. I could see the blessings all around me, but some days I just felt really sad.

Because I do the work I do from a place of authenticity, when I start to feel like sh*t, doing my work becomes a struggle. And let me tell you, the struggle is REAL.

And truthfully, I have been struggling a lot lately. Writing is hard. Planning my event is overwhelming. Preparing for my classes or other projects on my plate is not as easy as it once was. And juggling all of this while mothering three human beings, staying on top of my mom’s health, and everything else I have going on… well, it feels downright impossible some days.

On Friday night, I was watching the most recent episode of ABC’s Blackish. The episode focused on Bow and her struggle with postpartum depression. It was so timely.

I laughed.

Then I cried.

My tears flowed because I actually saw a therapist earlier that same day. I made the appointment because I felt like my sadness was lingering and I’m not okay with that. I started to wonder if postpartum depression was the problem. And like Bow, I struggled with accepting this as a possibility because I didn’t have this issue after my first two kids were born.

But a few weeks ago, I was engaged in a chat with a friend on FB messenger that led to an Aha Moment. During the chat, I shared how stressful event planning was and my friend compared it to birthing a baby.

In that moment I thought, Oh shit! Who told me to birth two babies in one year!? 

That was a real moment of clarity for me. Was I dealing with the stress and emotions that come with giving birth to two babies in one year? My daughter and my event?

That Facebook messenger chat was the beginning of my journey to that couch with a therapist last week. A journey back to wellness.

And here’s the real deal.

I work hard. I love the work that I do and I am damn good at it. My passion for helping women–especially moms–comes from a place of love. Real love.

But at the end of the day, I am human. I hurt. I cry. I get anxious. I get frustrated. I get angry.

And I am NOT always okay.

As hard as that is to admit, I know I have to. I know that admitting my truth may help another woman admit hers. It may help save someone’s life.

So what’s next?

I’m not sure. Therapy is gonna be a weekly thing for the foreseeable future. That I know.

My event is in the less than two weeks so I plan to manage the stress the best way I know how, lean on my friends, and give it my all because I want it to be an amazing day. And I still plan to crush all of the goals I said I would crush before turning 40 next year.

But most importantly, I plan to get some much-needed rest at the end of the year. I am going off the grid on December 18th and I don’t plan to come back until January 2, 2018. As an entrepreneur, I can never be completely off the grid, but I still plan to get a whole lot of rest and spend very little time online.

Listen, I don’t know your story. I am also not sure what brought you to this post. But if it’s helped you in some way, that adds some joy to these dark days I’ve been battling.

I know this darkness won’t last forever. I will work through it. I will adjust. I will find my way to the light.

I pray you find your way, too.

 

Are you a mom? Wanna join a community of amazing moms who are trying to juggle life and live well? Join The Mommy Wellness Lounge — a Facebook group of like-minded mamas who want to live well,  make healthy choices and enjoy all the moments that matter. Click here to join today!