When my husband and I were dating, he shared that he wanted four kids. I shared that he should probably marry someone else because I was not having four kids.
We agreed on two with the possibility of a third and we got married. After we had our first child, a handsome and funloving boy, we knew we would soon be ready for baby number two. A year later, we tried and I got pregnant. That pregnancy ended in heartache. I lost the baby due to triploidy, a chromosomal disorder that doctors informed us was not compatible with life. That was a dark time for me and a difficult patch in our marriage.
A year after that happened, we got pregnant with our daughter and she was born in October of 2012. Spunky, beautiful, smart, and hilarious, this girl lights up our world. She was also a little crazy when she was two and I was almost certain that she would be our last. Those terrible twos were terrible for real. But even though I joked about being done, I never felt certain. My husband would bring up having one more kid, and I just couldn’t make a decision either way.
Then it happened. A few days after we got home from a family vacation to California, I realized I was two days late. I know that’s no biggie for most women, but I am never late. I knew something was up. I took a test and it was positive.
Oh sh*t!, I thought.
I was nervous and excited and everything in between.
But when I tell you that God knows what we need more than we do, I am not kidding. After 9 months of morning sickness, extreme fatigue, constipation, and so much more, our family of four turned into a family of five and was made whole with our newest addition. Her smile lights up our world.
And although some days are crazy as hell up in this house, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love these three kids, and I am so thankful that God chose me to be their mom.
And you know what? I can now say I am done. No more babies for me. I love them all dearly and I am in awe everytime I think about how amazing they are, but I don’t want another kid. And I could list off reasons why I am not having another child, but I don’t see the need. I don’t think it matters, really. I think what matters is my ability to feel so clear about what’s next for my family and me.
I am planning on enjoying every moment I can with our new baby girl. Every milestone she hits makes us smile. Every snuggle and smile feel special. And although all those things felt incredibly special with my other children, there is something unique about experiencing something for the last time and knowing it’s actually the last time. I think that knowing part makes me slow down and savor things in a way I didn’t with my older daughter. I regret that.
But no regrets going forward. Just lots of laughs and snuggles and enjoying this family of five God has blessed me with. I am grateful for what we have and I can’t wait to see what’s next for us.
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